The Advice from My Father Which Rescued Me when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of being a father.

But the actual experience soon became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her chief support as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good place. You must get assistance. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now better used to discussing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads go through.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are symptomatic of a wider failure to communicate amongst men, who often hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time."

"It isn't a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - spending a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "terrible actions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, confide in a friend, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the things that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I believe my role is to guide and direct you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."